Something's Rotten in He Fei
by writer-jm
Summary: A DW6/Empires story/review! What's wrong with our favorite warriors? They'll let you know! Warnings: shoujo-ai and a split second of shonen-ai!


Okay, I've finally gotten the opportunity to play both Dynasty Warriors 6 and Empires! With mixed emotions, I managed to get some enjoyment out of it. Plus, non-online multi-player games are getting a bit harder to find, but Koei's Warrior series has consistently rewarded us with co-op battle fun. Even if some people don't get it!

I keep feeling like I'm taking a risk, but have to remind myself that I've went over this thing somewhere between 8 – 13 times....

So in a way, this a bit of a bash on the negative aspects of the games, even though I enjoyed it for a while. Also, expect a lot of OC moments here including a lot of shoujo-ai, possibly a little bit of shonen-ai.

I'd also like to dedicate this to poor frustrated SephirothBeatrix, who was duly traumatized by this game! But I included her favorite pairing as a cookie! (Sugar fixes everything, try it! Summon Night fans can giggle now!)

As usual:  
Speaking "..."

Thoughts '...'

Comments (...)

Something is Rotten in He Fei

(in a nameless field in China)

A giggle could be heard behind a couple of trees. "Missed me, slow poke!"

"I'll get you; just you wait!" There was a whooshing sound followed by a tugging sound. "Gotcha! I bet Sailor Venus would have appreciated that catch!" (Sorry, had to include the inside reference!)

Diao Chan inched backwards into view, gently wrapped in a whip. "What are you going to do with me now?" The dancer faked a frightened look.

Zhen Ji stepped close with a look, clearly examining the other woman's outfit. "Whatever I want..." She purred. The former flute-wielder took a moment to examine her own bland wardrobe. "Hold on a second." She stepped back and a pink whirlwind formed, allowing her to magically change back to one of her previous outfits (pick your favorite one!). "Much better." She pulled her captive close and nuzzled her ear from behind, smiling broadly.

"You thief! I thought I could trust an honorable warrior like you!" Pang De fumed, following Zhang Liao. Zhen Ji growled in frustration at the interruption, while not relinquishing her grip on Diao Chan.

Zhang Liao cocked an eyebrow. "I swear these aren't the same weapons! Look!" He held up his brand new twin halberds.

"Gimme those..." Pang De grumbled, talking the weapons from Frenchie (this based on a consensus of my friends). He twisted them around, much to the surprise of the other Wei warrior.

"Holy cow, you're right!" He visibly slumped. "I'm really sorry. I'll return them to you."

Pang De sighed. "Don't worry about it, I'm not going to be using them anyway..."

Zhen Ji and Diao Chan began to get frustrated; Ji decided to voice her protest. "Hey, we're trying to have some alone time! Can't you go hang out or fight someone? Or whatever men do..." She was interrupted yet again.

Da Qiao's voice rang out through the air. "You little hussy! You're stealing all my air time... screen time... whatever!" She growled.

"Ow! Stop pulling my hair, sis!" Xiao Qiao replied, struggling to get her slightly taller sibling to release her ponytail.

"Hey, why are you two fighting? You're sisters! You're supposed to love each other!" Came an additional high-pitched female voice, causing Zhen Ji to twitch; it was the embarrassing new version of Sun Shang Xiang. Diao Chan patted her wife (this is borrowing from my DW tale, so they're hitched) on the arm as if to say, "be patient and it will end on its own."

Da Qiao's eyes widened. "What the heck happened to her? She's like the third Qiao now!" Sudden realization crossed her face. "She's the one who's stealing my spot?!" She instantly released her sister and hugged her apologetically. Her anger quickly returned and she stomped towards the clearly feminine, tiny girl. She gripped her fans tightly and prepared to unleash a new brand of Qiao whoopin' (soon to be trademarked).

"Hey, she's mine to beat up!" Everyone turned a surprised expression to the newcomer. It was the Sun Shang Xiang from the previous Dynasty Warriors (and Orochi). "She's ruining all the respect I've earned throughout the entire series!!" She cracked her knuckles and adjusted her grip on her chakram.

"I've got your back, Shang Xiang." A throaty purr came from behind the tomboy as a pair of sun-darkened arms wrapped around the Wu warrior. Zhu Rong gave a chuckle at the blush she received in response. "I can't get in this game and I've just about always had the least amount of clothing... Anything less and I'd be indecent for _public_." The additional emphasis to the last word was directed at the girl in front of her, who twitched in response.

Cornered, the squeaky Shang Xiang began to cry. Suddenly, the newly made-over Yue Ying came to her rescue. "It's not her fault! It's the character designers' fault!" She sauntered to stand in front the frightened girl, crossbow-thing at the ready (yeah, it's pretty cool). "Just because she's inaccurate concerning the literature and presents a negative stereotype that flies in the face of popular feminism... I'll stop now." She gave an apologetic bow to the weepy girl behind her.

"And she is a member of the Shu family for part of her Musuo mode, so I am honor-bound to protect her as well!" The fearsome Xing Cai entered to stand beside the attractive Shu strategist. "I won't let you..." She took a second look at the wise woman next to her. Then, she looked again. Finally, she bent over and began to peer at Yue Ying's minuscule skirt (and probably underneath).

The strategist blushed and jumped back. "What are you doing?"

"Um... duh! I'm checkin' out your new look!" The Shu warrior closed the gap, completely forgetting about the confrontation and kissed Yue Ying. "Wow... I liked you before, but I can't contain myself anymore!"

There was a pair of squee's from the Qiaos. They promptly latched on to Xing Cai's legs as she continued her make out session with the female strategist. Da looked at her sister. "I knew it! She's like us!" They began to try to separate their shared interest (Xing Cai) from her interest (Yue Ying). The 2 Shang Xiangs were dumbstruck while Zhu Rong cheered.

(Moving on.....)

"Well, I know why we're not in this game..." Nu Wa replied from her lawn chair. She handed Fu Xi a cup of musou wine.

He gave her thanks and replied: "Because we're mythological figures, not heroes from history and a big 'ole book." He dropped a copy of Romance of the Three Kingdoms on their end table, which shook violently. "Oh, this is the version where it was divided into two volumes..." He dropped another, equally large book on top of the other one, the table groaned and collapsed.

The rapier wielder sighed. "At least you had a replacement that wasn't generic!"

"Yeah, but there was an entire game in between our appearance and Guan Ping's introduction." Fu Xi said with a sad look. "I sure hope that people had some fun with their create-a-warriors..."

"Well, I think Cao Pi ended up with something similar to my fighting weapon in the new one..."

The man with the large sword let out a laugh. "That's awesome!"

"No, they both had decent move sets and weapons before!" Nu Wa groaned.

"Dreadful!" Came another high-pitched, feminine whine. Zhen Ji snapped out of her daze when she felt a weight on her leg. She looked down to see a tearful Zhang He. "My beautiful claws... replaced by... an inelegant spear!" He sniffled and Zhen Ji took pity on him, comforting her long-term friend. She patted him on the head and started singing his favorite beautiful songs to distract him from his distress.

Yet another warrior made themselves known. Huang Gai stumbled in wearing a new gold chain, feeling that he could deal with the comparison to Mr. T. He looked imploringly at Diao Chan and Zhen Ji. "Would one of you let me hold a whip? That was supposed to be my weapon, yet the game designers can't seem to get it right!"

Diao Chan shrugged and tossed him hers. Her explanation: "We only need one..." She blushed. "Plus, we've still got our other weapons."

Zhen Ji laughed. "I do prefer it when you use your "knockers."" She laughed even harder as Diao Chan shoved her playfully.

"My Lord! This is not appropriate behavior for a ruler!" Zhao Yun ran quickly across the background.

In swift pursuit, young Liu Bei grinned lecherously. "But I look so young this time and I feel great! Come back to me, my Little Dragon!" (There you go, my yaoi quota for the year has been met!)

Fu Xi handed Nu Wa a large sum of money. His only words: "Well I'll be darned, I thought it was just subtext."

Jiang Wei entered closely followed by Zhuge Liang. The young protege was fuming. "It's like they pretend that we don't exist if we're not in the game. They're completely leaving out my contribution to the later years of Shu!"

Zhuge Liang nodded sagely. "If they leave you out all together, the newer fans won't know the difference."

There was a loud roar. "ME....HATE...WEAPON!!" A heavy club went flying across the field with an earth-shattering thud. "LAZY...PROGRAMMERS!!" Zhang He, recognizing a sympathetic soul, went to hug him. However, the volatile warrior's new horn unintentionally kept him at a distance. (Yes, even Wei Yan needs a hug sometimes.)

Then, as if to prove Wei Yan wrong, Sima Yi entered toying with his new chain-like claws. "Ha! I'd like to see Zhuge Liang beat me now!" Zhang He "harrumphed" signaling his disapproval. The strategist barely paid his favorite general any attention, noticing his fan-wielding nemesis nearby. "I'll defeat you, Zhuge Liang!"

The Shu thinker, not having time to prepare a strategy, prepared to run. In stepped his protege, Jiang Wei. "I will defend you, sir!"

The young strategist hefted his spear and began to try to deflect the weapons of his Wei foe. He was quickly outmatched by the range, speed, and unpredictability of the unfamiliar weapon.

Suddenly, a red pole intercepted Sima Yi's face and he clutched his nose. "No one can fight Zhuge Liang but me!" Zhou Yu declared with a flourish of his new cape. He paused in his declaration to flourish his cape again before letting out a giggle. He proceeded to pose in several dynamic poses.

Sun Ce (following his friend) tossed his spear to the ground. "I can't believe they did that to me! I'm like really cool and important in this series! I miss my tonfas!" Zhou Yu rolled his eyes before digging out the coveted weapons from his cape. "Thank you Zhou Yu!"

Gan Ning laughed merrily, toying with his pair of knives. "Stabby, stabby, stabby..." He noticed the time (I guess by sundial?). "Oh no, I'm going to be late for lunch!" He hit his True Speed ability and took off like a shot.

Cao Cao reclined on a rock, waiting patiently with Xiahou Dun and Yuan. "When is Dian Wei supposed to arrive?"

Yuan spoke up, due to Dun complaining about 'losing his cool status and weapon.' "Well, my lord, he's gotten so slow and his weapon is so heavy that he might be a while..."

"Darn it all! I guess we'll have to buy him a cart to tow around that ball and chain of his." Cao Cao sighed remembering the squished horses who had attempted to carry the heavier warrior.

As if "ball and chain" were a magic password, the ground began to shake periodically. "Is that an earthquake, cousin?" Xiahou Dun spoke up as he took a defensive stance. Zhou Yu even stopped posing.

Zhu Rong sighed from her position, wrapped around Shang Xiang (the original). "It's just that big lummox who used to follow me around."

The gorilla, I mean, Meng Huo crashed through the tree line before skidding to a halt in front of the group of women. "Hooooneyyyyy! Where'd you go? I thought we were going to go take over China now that I've got a new weapon!" He hefted his column and let it's base settle against the ground. "And I can pick giant mushrooms to use as well!"

The silence was deafening. Zhu Rong sighed again. "Meng, you know we'd never work out. I always had a thing for tomboys like me, who have a soft sensitive side. And I'm tired of cooking you food all the time!!" She spat out.

"But honey, I lost all this weight on my new diet and got ripped!" He flexed, which made his chest and arms swell. "I'm even more handsome than ever! Mwha ha ha!"

Zhu Rong went over and pulled on his ear. "See that?" She indicated the Wu warrior princess. He nodded. "You don't have those." The blonde was indicating somewhere beneath Shang Xiang's chin. He "ooooh'ed" and pouted. Then, she patted him on the head and returned to her girlfriend. The big fella decided to go help Zhuge Liang out by running off Zhou Yu and Sima Yi.

Ling Tong and Zhou Tai were practicing with their new weapons, still trying to get used to them. Zhou Tai growled every time he was thrown off balance, by his larger, more generic sword. "Piece of crap!" He roared and threw down his sword. "That's it! I'm going off to Samurai Warriors, so I can at least use a katana!!"

"Jeeze, what crawled up his butt?" Ling Tong said, before whacking himself in the face. Trying to regain his speed and effectiveness was difficult.

Cao Pi was about to come complain to his father about being down a sword, but saw Zhen Ji and fled (you guys know that story).

However, she and Diao Chan were distracted by throwing rocks at the mountainous slob of a man called Dong Zhuo, who could not get out of the cart that had wheeled him over. The women had to quit when Lu Bu came over to kill him. Sadly, the fierce warrior could not penetrate the blubber and bounced off. Angrily, he threw his weapon, which which quickly boomeranged back at him and nearly impaled him. He got even more furious and threw it again. It hit him on the helmet. He roared and started cursing.

That was when everyone decided to make themselves scarce. Diao Chan and Zhen Ji's bodyguards (Cao Wu and Ji Jia) showed up with their horses and they decided to find another place to play "the Empress and her pretty little dancer." (Zhen Ji made that up...)

End

Yay, for crack-tastic review fics!! -_-;;; Sorry, just trying to put together as many random points together and kinda show what I liked and didn't like. Obviously, removing officers was horrible. Although, it's a close call for some of the atrocities they committed with weapons and move sets! Even with the second attempt with the PS2 version and Empires, it was only a band-aid on a procrastination problem.

I was happy to make the bodyguards from my previous Dynasty Warriors/story. I just wish the game was more enjoyable...

Review, if you will!


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